*still, feLicity has not lived her name*
So much of a great expectation and anticipation - what big event awaits? Sigh. It’s all ruined. 2008 started off badly, real bad. (Warning: This is ugly. If you’re having extremely good mood, I suggest you not to continue reading as I do not want to “mess up” your feelings.) “With the news of our block collapsing, followed by the notice of evacuation to another block, etc (need not to be so detail)” Who moved my cheese?! Now I understand, absolutely, what the author meant. I want to go back to my comfort zone, seriously. I felt exactly like those little men called Haw and Hem in the book “Who Moved My Cheese?” Few weeks back, I could not accept the news that we’re moving. Up till now, I still didn’t believe that we’ve actually moved! Knowing the fact that I have to move on and build a new comfort zone, finding fresher and finer cheese, somehow deep inside me, I’m still hoping for a little spark of miracle for my cheese to be returned, the good old cheese.
It took me two weeks to get used to not having my old roommate in my room. (My new roommates are fine, they’re great people, not that I don’t like them or what) But I spent two and a half years with Ruth, we went through all the hard and soft together. Just when I started to adapt with my new bed and new desk and new closet and new roommates, I started to miss her already. Feeling so lost and ridiculous and pretty much childish, *sob* I wept to sleep *sob*, I long to be her roommate again, her only roommate, selfishly hopin’ and wishin’ … Every thought and every plan we made last semester seems so perfect and so sweet, ready to be taken right away this semester. Gone, all gone. Yes, she is just next door, so very near yet so far away. And I have the feelings that we’re separated even further apart as the days pass us by. Everything seems so, so different. I admit, I take things too seriously. I do not welcome changes, I hate it. My past often holds me back.
Ending up my 2007 not as great as it looks, I was looking forward for something different in me as I enter 2008. I seriously need to be “renewed” as I have been living in a pool of negative thoughts. But it isn’t happening, it isn’t coming, at all. I’m severely having more negative thoughts than ever. I condemn myself even though God said “I forgive you”. I criticize myself even though God said I’m perfectly fine. I hate myself when God said “I love you”. I feel useless and unworthy of everything when God said I’m precious to Him. What is wrong with me?! My pessimism would not bring me far. Once again, I face emptiness, rejection, being ignore, left out, insignificant, just a Nobody. And they think all I want is pathetically seeking for attentions and begging for sympathies from others. Oh, truly I am worthless. Sobs.
Having a bad day and returning to a “not-so-comfort zone”, with no space to whine only silently hide my “sorrow” and tears, it is really the time for me to cast away all my worries and the “little, little” problems accumulated in me ever since don’t-know-when, to my one and only loving and compassionate God. “Maybe I have fallen asleep right in the presence of God, years have gone by, and now I realize that the Lord is calling my soul awake.” True as sis Jo told me that sometimes we need to be “shook” out of our comfort zone so that we would rely more on Him. He wants to draw us near to Him, because He loves us. He loves us all the same regardless who we are. “Our hearts have been made to cry out for a love that can come only from our Creator.” I silently prayed that the little spark of miracle I’ve longed for would somehow happen, for I simply miss her, and every moment we’ve shared together. “There will be no power in our lives apart from prayer.” And the waiting continues…
January 25th, 2008 at 1:55 am
Hi there, Stay strong!! Will uphold you in prayer.God bless
January 29th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Hey gal, i guess we are both on d same boat. My 2008 started off very badly. Its just as if God woke up at the wrong side of the bed and all hell turn loose…well its just a figure of speech
Our GOD who watches over us neither slumber nor sleep…Amen…but it was bad la. Found out shocking news tat rattled me for days and still is now. There is nothing i can do about it as i can’t control what’s going on so the only thing i can do is pray because our God is in control even though at times it doesn’t look tat way. Do not think tat u r a NOBODY coz its usually da NOBODY tat turns into SOMEBODY GREAT…besides u r oredi somebody great in our hearts.
To climb out of the valley that we are in is not easy but we still have to do it coz the journey continues on. At times we can take a rest for as long as we want along the way but we know we can never build our homes in the valley for we long to see the beautiful paradise that God have created from the mountainside as the view is the most beautiful at the top. Feli, keep going. Take a step at a time even though ur heart don feel like going any further. U shall see ur bag of gold at the end of the journey. Hold on and hang on.