*it’s the “nothing” that i cried for*
I remember last semester while I was studying, suddenly I cried and when my roommate came back to the room, she was shocked. She asked me why and I said I don’t know. “What do you mean by you don’t know?! There must be a reason!!” Strange but true. Just now, while sitting in front of my study desk trying to continue my revision marathon, suddenly I cried, again. Why? I don’t know. Haha. Tears on sales lately. The other day when Michael Johnson called me and told me that I’m not accepted to work in Doulos, I almost cried, surprisingly I did not. But the next day, I kept on thinking about it, and I can’t stop crying. Cry baby. Haha. It is true that women are meant for crying, agree? :p I’ve been crying a lot lately. Which, a thinker said, crying is good. Your tears wash your dried eyes. And only after you cried that you will have a clearer vision. I believe that is true, sometimes. But if you cried too hard, your eyes will turn red and get swollen. Certain people cannot just simply cry, while certain people (like me) can easily get too emo and just cry seeing other people cry. Strange but true. And I know there are many people out there fall into either one of the category that I’ve mentioned just now. Hm, cry topic, interesting. So why did I cry? I don’t know. It’s the “nothing” that I cried for.
Flashed back to the beginning of this semester. Life was tough. Life was not good. Life was all black. Back home, I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel welcomed. Back in class, I feel being ignored, I feel being “not-fit-in” and I felt so much like a stranger. Back in the room, facing my study desk, facing the four walls and the guys’ block in front of my window (hahaha), I felt so empty, so “nothing”… Going to fellowship does not help at all. No sense of belonging, felt being reject and felt so, so insignificant. Where is the love? And thus, tears overflowing. Day by day, I felt myself being depressed, getting more and more pessimistic. I find life meaningless, no purpose, nothing at all. People are asking me why, I could not explain, and I don’t blame them for not understanding my situations. But please don’t be judgmental for the things that you do not understand.
This semester is almost over now. So what did I learn? Sigh. Oh sighing is good too. You want to know why? Because when you sigh, you’re taking deep breaths, and you exhale out all the old air from your lung. Truly, this semester is meant for character building. My roommate, with her never ending sighs… I felt so useless for being just right beside her but was unable to help her at her times of difficulties. I feel glad when she’s glad, and I feel sad, when she’s sad. Forgive me for not being a good comforter. The emptiness, the insecurity, and the dark sides of all the feelings – have I fully recovered to my old-self? I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. But where is the purpose? Where… the sun from sadness does not and will not shine at all. (eh how come my cry topic transform to sigh topic and life topic ekekeke hope u guys have a great life)
October 20th, 2007 at 12:47 am
huh aku ingat aku ja jenis begitu rupanya kita serupa pula fely,kadang-kadang aku boleh menangis sendiri bila mengenang nasib diri ni yang terlalu banyak ujian dan dugaan..tapi apa-apa pun jangan hipokrit pada diri jadilah diri kita yang sebenar menangislah supaya kita rasa lega.Dan sebenarnya kita harus bersyukur keada Tuhan kerana Dia tidak memesongkan kita dari landasannya.Sebab itu lah aku rasa kita boleh menangis sendiri tanpa apa-apa sebab dan semua itu membuatkan kita lebih mengingati dan dekat kepada Nya serta lebih mensyukuri nikmat yang telah di kurnia kan kepada kita….
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Cheers, Check out the pictures of my new emo hair
on http://tinyurl.com/6y6u6s