feLy’s

Was messaging with a friend yesterday night telling him my problems and sadness. Instead of getting advice and comforting words from him, I ended up encouraging him to go on with his life and leave everything to God. Not even a word of encouragement from him. Sigh. Things are not suppose to be done this way. When somebody is telling you their problems, you should listen. Doesn’t matter whether you’re able to help or not, you still need to give your full support by listening to their problems and NOT shoot them back with your own problems. I may not be perfect nor neither a good comforter, but I’m pretty sure I’m a good listener. Every time when my roommate come back having a bad day, I will stop whatever I’m doing and give my full attention and listen to her stories. Sometimes I just keep silence because I do not know how to help her and what sort of advice that she needs. But I never fail to listen to her, every time, when she talks. Imagine when you’re complaining to your friends on how frustrated and sad you are, hoping to get some comfort from them. But instead, they start complaining theirs back to you, without giving any attention to your problems at all. How would you feel? People often neglected other people’s feelings without realizing them, and I know I sometimes failed to take care of my friends’ feelings too. I’m sorry, truly I am.

The sun from sadness will never ever shine, never. Sigh. Doulos team in eCF tonight. Here I am at home, sighing and mourning at my pathetic life. When will this ever end? Conflicts, frictions, unfortunate events. So unfair. My family, they never understand what I need. Every time when I go cf, they give me a look as if I don’t want to be at home anymore. I’m tired of answering to questions why didn’t I attend cf. When I see my friends serving in cf, worshiping, doing different kind of tasks, having all the opportunities to contribute, I want to be just like them. I want to be a part of the team and the busyness. But my situations and my surrounding create barriers, lots and lots of barriers for me to be just like the way I wanted it to be. For all these years, I have been so committed and unconditionally loving them, sacrificing my time and energy serving them. But in return, not even a little respect that I get from them. When they need my help to do their stuff, they just grab my time away. But when I need to do my things, I have to create strong reasons and make up a situation just to get back some of my own time. My time and my schedule, I have no right to take control of it. Try to talk with them? They will never see it from my point of view. Communication does not work around here. Sad. I do not ask for silver or gold. I just want their love and care. I want to have a life too. Why don’t they ever realize that? FAMILY, father and mother, I love you. But do they love me? Sob… (I do not mean to complaint, but I just can’t stand it anymore.)

I remember last semester while I was studying, suddenly I cried and when my roommate came back to the room, she was shocked. She asked me why and I said I don’t know. “What do you mean by you don’t know?! There must be a reason!!” Strange but true. Just now, while sitting in front of my study desk trying to continue my revision marathon, suddenly I cried, again. Why? I don’t know. Haha. Tears on sales lately. The other day when Michael Johnson called me and told me that I’m not accepted to work in Doulos, I almost cried, surprisingly I did not. But the next day, I kept on thinking about it, and I can’t stop crying. Cry baby. Haha. It is true that women are meant for crying, agree? :p I’ve been crying a lot lately. Which, a thinker said, crying is good. Your tears wash your dried eyes. And only after you cried that you will have a clearer vision. I believe that is true, sometimes. But if you cried too hard, your eyes will turn red and get swollen. Certain people cannot just simply cry, while certain people (like me) can easily get too emo and just cry seeing other people cry. Strange but true. And I know there are many people out there fall into either one of the category that I’ve mentioned just now. Hm, cry topic, interesting. So why did I cry? I don’t know. It’s the “nothing” that I cried for.

Flashed back to the beginning of this semester. Life was tough. Life was not good. Life was all black. Back home, I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel welcomed. Back in class, I feel being ignored, I feel being “not-fit-in” and I felt so much like a stranger. Back in the room, facing my study desk, facing the four walls and the guys’ block in front of my window (hahaha), I felt so empty, so “nothing”… Going to fellowship does not help at all. No sense of belonging, felt being reject and felt so, so insignificant. Where is the love? And thus, tears overflowing. Day by day, I felt myself being depressed, getting more and more pessimistic. I find life meaningless, no purpose, nothing at all. People are asking me why, I could not explain, and I don’t blame them for not understanding my situations. But please don’t be judgmental for the things that you do not understand.

This semester is almost over now. So what did I learn? Sigh. Oh sighing is good too. You want to know why? Because when you sigh, you’re taking deep breaths, and you exhale out all the old air from your lung. Truly, this semester is meant for character building. My roommate, with her never ending sighs… I felt so useless for being just right beside her but was unable to help her at her times of difficulties. I feel glad when she’s glad, and I feel sad, when she’s sad. Forgive me for not being a good comforter. The emptiness, the insecurity, and the dark sides of all the feelings – have I fully recovered to my old-self? I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. But where is the purpose? Where… the sun from sadness does not and will not shine at all. (eh how come my cry topic transform to sigh topic and life topic ekekeke hope u guys have a great life)