feLy’s

Just a few days before CNY, dad was admitted to hospital, stomach ache he claimed. Our CNY plan to visit my foster family at Weston would have to be cancelled to make way for dad to rest and recover from his minor operation. Just a week before CNY, mum had a car accident, harmless but shocking. She has been restless for a few days, foreseeing some unfortunate events to happen. Most of all, she didn’t feel like celebrating CNY at all, because it’s our first CNY without grandma. It has been almost four months after she left us.

CNY this year hasn’t been an anticipation and excitement for me either. Nevertheless, we celebrated it humbly with simplicity. On the 29^th day before CNY, mum and I did some spring cleaning all around the house. It wasn’t that bad after all even though only the two of us going up and down. That night, we had fried egg and plain vegetables for dinner. On the 30^th day before CNY, we went to an uncle’s house and had our reunion dinner there. I had migraine that night and flu attacked. Nevertheless, I felt the inner joy of gathering together with our relatives.

However, on the 1^st day of CNY in the early morn, mum and dad had a slight quarrel, and it ended up with mum staying at home, not following us to the church for CNY service. I fell in despair. I don’t know what else to do, and where is the love? Yet again, nevertheless, that night we went to an auntie’s house to have another dinner together. Good thing I’m not having my migraine anymore. When it came to 2^nd day of CNY, it is now our turn to be the host and serve all the relatives for another dinner together. It turned out just as great. Mum and I felt the tiredness but again, there is joy in the heart for being able to gather around with our relatives.

Seems to be the end of the story? No, a whole lot chapter awaits and it’s only the beginning of it. On that night, I finally got attacked by the grievances of my dear. I foresee it to happen but not as fast. I’ve tried and I’ve been avoiding, but it happened at last. My family again, is taking over my life and holding me back to pursue the dream of my life in finding my own happiness. There’s nothing I can do in helping to ease my pain but cry. It hurts, it really does. I’m helpless (but perhaps, ignorance is bliss). But that very incident on the 2^nd night of CNY eventually turned into an eye opener and a great start for many, many “brainstorming” sessions for both of us. Instead of putting blame on whose fault is it, we had peaceful heart-to-heart talks. And with the guidance of Him from up above, we continue to walk slowly, taking one step at a time crossing the bridge, towards the other end of it. We are now seeking for joy in our hearts and looking forward for more beautiful colours in our adventures.

*feLy once again feel the peace in her heart ever since the departure of her beloved grandma* Perhaps, it was my grandma all along, going through these few days of CNY with me, to bring back that peace that she had given me about four months ago. I thank You Lord for all that is good and bad. And for my dear; yesterday, today, and forever will be.

With a humble scale of N17, feLy the Semi-Govt servant finally received her pay slip, for the first time ever!!! Need not to say, You & I know exactly/roughly how much an N17 servant earns in the job market nowadays. With least complaint, feLy is satisfied with her highly-pressured job and the surviving pay she received. While taking one step at a time to shine, she claims victory over whatever she managed to grab along the steps, with a grateful heart in the name of Jesus. Because only by God’s grace and mercy were she be able to stand in her position right now.

With her limited first pay, she bought herself a new pair of office-wear; blouse RM39.90 and skirt RM39.90. She had her hair “trimmed” as a preparation to let it grow long (^_^) RM30. She went for a mini shopping spree, spent some RMs over unnecessary stuff, treated herself with Move It McFlurry, oh and bought a simple New Year’s Gift for her “Mr. Darcy” (have not even look for his birthday and x’mas gift).

And the excitement over the first pay continues… With her remaining first pay; after refilling petrol, paying bills, fulfilling the tradition of “ini gaji pertama saya, semuanya untuk mak” (well in her case, not ALL of course), feLy still wish to buy her another collection of Calvin & Hobbes, which she has spotted few weeks ago displayed in the bookstore at Warisan Square, after watching High School Musical III with her “Mr. Darcy”. She would also like to treat her friends on lunch/dinner - paying off the “first pay promise”. And there goes all her first pay, spent or planned for spending in satisfactory.

Last but not least (which has nothing to do with her pay), feLy would like to spend more time with her “Mr. Darcy” doing meaningful and memorable stuff together. Well of course with the aid of her pay, she would be able to plan for little surprises every now and then, not to please him, but to give out love unconditionally. And again, she can never stop thanking God for his presence in her life. Above all, her quarter-life crisis didn’t haunt her for long anyway.

Some interesting points from the Book of Exodus, adopted from the N.I.V. Life Application Study Bible:

When we are burdened or mistreated, we may feel defeated. But our burdens can make us stronger and develop qualities in us that will prepare us for the future. (Build character bah..) We cannot be over-comers without troubles to overcome. (This is so true!) Be true to God in the hard times because even the worst situations can make us better people. (Only when we survived a rough journey that we will be stronger and wiser, because that is when we’ve seen it all.)

Special opportunities may come our way unexpectedly. Don’t let the fear of what might happen cause you to miss an opportunity. Be alert for the opportunities God gives you, take full advantage of them. (Take the risk and you may have one percent of chance. Avoid risk and you will get nothing.)

Right now you may feel unable to see through your troubles. Focus instead on God, and trust Him for the way out. (Do not focus on the troubles until you over-looked on the solutions God has provided for you.) And, God knows the best time to act. When you feel that God has forgotten you in your troubles, remember that God has a time schedule we can’t see. (He has everything well-prepared and planned ahead. Just be patient with the time He sets for us.)

While persistence is good, stubbornness is usually self-centered. Stubbornness toward God is always disobedience. Avoid disobedience because the consequences may spill onto others. (Perhaps you can do some research on how to differentiate persistence and stubbornness, what are the significance, and how to make sure you are persistent over an issue and not being stubborn over it.)

If God does not lead you along the shortest path to your goal, don’t complain or resist. Follow him willingly and trust him to lead you safely around unseen obstacles. He can see the end of your journey from the beginning, and he knows the safest and best route. (Patient is the utmost. Never ever say No to God. You may not know what you are doing, but He knows.) And, after a lifetime of resisting God, you may find it impossible to turn to him. Don’t wait until just the right time before turning to God. (Come back, come back..)

Prayer must have a vital place in our lives, but there is also a place for action. Sometimes we know what to do, but we pray for more guidance as an excuse to postpone doing it. If we know what we should do, then it is time to get moving. (Yes we must pray, but after praying, please take actions. You don’t pray to be rich and the money just fall off from the sky, no it doesn’t happen that way.) Nevertheless, some problems can be solved only by prayer. We should make a determined effort to pray when we feel like complaining. Prayer quiets our thoughts and emotions and prepares us to listen. (When we face difficulties, relax and start to pray instead of getting panicked.) And also, when pressure comes your way, resist the temptation to make a quick escape. Instead, focus on God’s power and wisdom to help you deal with the cause of your stress. (Focusing on your problems will not get you anyway. Just like staring at the exam questions will not give you any answer.)

Some interesting points from the Book of Genesis, adopted from the N.I.V. Life Application Study Bible:

Because our talents and knowledge come from God, it is more appropriate to thank Him for them than to brag about them. (Always remember that God lifts up those who humbled themselves and, never keep quiet when you know there is a need to glorify His name.)

Sometimes merely trying to avoid temptations is not enough. We must turn and run, especially when the temptations seem very strong, as is often the case in sexual temptation. (I totally agree on this turning-and-running solution, you know how hardworking Satan is.)

Often the sins we try to cover up are the ones that anger us most when we see them in others. If you become indignant at the sins of others, you may have a similar tendency to sin that you don’t wish to face. When we admit our sins and ask God to forgive us, forgiving others becomes easier. (Our Father in Heaven … forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sins against us …)

When we feel passed by, overlooked, or forgotten, we shouldn’t be surprised that people are often ungrateful. In similar situations, trust God. (Never give up on God, as He never gave up on us.) More opportunities may be waiting. Our most important opportunities may come when we least expect them. (Just as shared by Bro. Daniel Brown, Jesus will step right into our life when we least expect Him to come.) Be ready for opportunities by getting to know more about God. Then you will be ready to call on him when opportunities come our way. (Don’t let the opportunities pass you by, stay alert!)

I want to live to be a person in whom the spirit of God lives.

So much of a great expectation and anticipation - what big event awaits? Sigh. It’s all ruined. 2008 started off badly, real bad. (Warning: This is ugly. If you’re having extremely good mood, I suggest you not to continue reading as I do not want to “mess up” your feelings.) “With the news of our block collapsing, followed by the notice of evacuation to another block, etc (need not to be so detail)” Who moved my cheese?! Now I understand, absolutely, what the author meant. I want to go back to my comfort zone, seriously. I felt exactly like those little men called Haw and Hem in the book “Who Moved My Cheese?” Few weeks back, I could not accept the news that we’re moving. Up till now, I still didn’t believe that we’ve actually moved! Knowing the fact that I have to move on and build a new comfort zone, finding fresher and finer cheese, somehow deep inside me, I’m still hoping for a little spark of miracle for my cheese to be returned, the good old cheese.

It took me two weeks to get used to not having my old roommate in my room. (My new roommates are fine, they’re great people, not that I don’t like them or what) But I spent two and a half years with Ruth, we went through all the hard and soft together. Just when I started to adapt with my new bed and new desk and new closet and new roommates, I started to miss her already. Feeling so lost and ridiculous and pretty much childish, *sob* I wept to sleep *sob*, I long to be her roommate again, her only roommate, selfishly hopin’ and wishin’ … Every thought and every plan we made last semester seems so perfect and so sweet, ready to be taken right away this semester. Gone, all gone. Yes, she is just next door, so very near yet so far away. And I have the feelings that we’re separated even further apart as the days pass us by. Everything seems so, so different. I admit, I take things too seriously. I do not welcome changes, I hate it. My past often holds me back.

Ending up my 2007 not as great as it looks, I was looking forward for something different in me as I enter 2008. I seriously need to be “renewed” as I have been living in a pool of negative thoughts. But it isn’t happening, it isn’t coming, at all. I’m severely having more negative thoughts than ever. I condemn myself even though God said “I forgive you”. I criticize myself even though God said I’m perfectly fine. I hate myself when God said “I love you”. I feel useless and unworthy of everything when God said I’m precious to Him. What is wrong with me?! My pessimism would not bring me far. Once again, I face emptiness, rejection, being ignore, left out, insignificant, just a Nobody. And they think all I want is pathetically seeking for attentions and begging for sympathies from others. Oh, truly I am worthless. Sobs.

Having a bad day and returning to a “not-so-comfort zone”, with no space to whine only silently hide my “sorrow” and tears, it is really the time for me to cast away all my worries and the “little, little” problems accumulated in me ever since don’t-know-when, to my one and only loving and compassionate God. “Maybe I have fallen asleep right in the presence of God, years have gone by, and now I realize that the Lord is calling my soul awake.” True as sis Jo told me that sometimes we need to be “shook” out of our comfort zone so that we would rely more on Him. He wants to draw us near to Him, because He loves us. He loves us all the same regardless who we are. “Our hearts have been made to cry out for a love that can come only from our Creator.” I silently prayed that the little spark of miracle I’ve longed for would somehow happen, for I simply miss her, and every moment we’ve shared together. “There will be no power in our lives apart from prayer.” And the waiting continues…

Was messaging with a friend yesterday night telling him my problems and sadness. Instead of getting advice and comforting words from him, I ended up encouraging him to go on with his life and leave everything to God. Not even a word of encouragement from him. Sigh. Things are not suppose to be done this way. When somebody is telling you their problems, you should listen. Doesn’t matter whether you’re able to help or not, you still need to give your full support by listening to their problems and NOT shoot them back with your own problems. I may not be perfect nor neither a good comforter, but I’m pretty sure I’m a good listener. Every time when my roommate come back having a bad day, I will stop whatever I’m doing and give my full attention and listen to her stories. Sometimes I just keep silence because I do not know how to help her and what sort of advice that she needs. But I never fail to listen to her, every time, when she talks. Imagine when you’re complaining to your friends on how frustrated and sad you are, hoping to get some comfort from them. But instead, they start complaining theirs back to you, without giving any attention to your problems at all. How would you feel? People often neglected other people’s feelings without realizing them, and I know I sometimes failed to take care of my friends’ feelings too. I’m sorry, truly I am.

The sun from sadness will never ever shine, never. Sigh. Doulos team in eCF tonight. Here I am at home, sighing and mourning at my pathetic life. When will this ever end? Conflicts, frictions, unfortunate events. So unfair. My family, they never understand what I need. Every time when I go cf, they give me a look as if I don’t want to be at home anymore. I’m tired of answering to questions why didn’t I attend cf. When I see my friends serving in cf, worshiping, doing different kind of tasks, having all the opportunities to contribute, I want to be just like them. I want to be a part of the team and the busyness. But my situations and my surrounding create barriers, lots and lots of barriers for me to be just like the way I wanted it to be. For all these years, I have been so committed and unconditionally loving them, sacrificing my time and energy serving them. But in return, not even a little respect that I get from them. When they need my help to do their stuff, they just grab my time away. But when I need to do my things, I have to create strong reasons and make up a situation just to get back some of my own time. My time and my schedule, I have no right to take control of it. Try to talk with them? They will never see it from my point of view. Communication does not work around here. Sad. I do not ask for silver or gold. I just want their love and care. I want to have a life too. Why don’t they ever realize that? FAMILY, father and mother, I love you. But do they love me? Sob… (I do not mean to complaint, but I just can’t stand it anymore.)

I remember last semester while I was studying, suddenly I cried and when my roommate came back to the room, she was shocked. She asked me why and I said I don’t know. “What do you mean by you don’t know?! There must be a reason!!” Strange but true. Just now, while sitting in front of my study desk trying to continue my revision marathon, suddenly I cried, again. Why? I don’t know. Haha. Tears on sales lately. The other day when Michael Johnson called me and told me that I’m not accepted to work in Doulos, I almost cried, surprisingly I did not. But the next day, I kept on thinking about it, and I can’t stop crying. Cry baby. Haha. It is true that women are meant for crying, agree? :p I’ve been crying a lot lately. Which, a thinker said, crying is good. Your tears wash your dried eyes. And only after you cried that you will have a clearer vision. I believe that is true, sometimes. But if you cried too hard, your eyes will turn red and get swollen. Certain people cannot just simply cry, while certain people (like me) can easily get too emo and just cry seeing other people cry. Strange but true. And I know there are many people out there fall into either one of the category that I’ve mentioned just now. Hm, cry topic, interesting. So why did I cry? I don’t know. It’s the “nothing” that I cried for.

Flashed back to the beginning of this semester. Life was tough. Life was not good. Life was all black. Back home, I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel welcomed. Back in class, I feel being ignored, I feel being “not-fit-in” and I felt so much like a stranger. Back in the room, facing my study desk, facing the four walls and the guys’ block in front of my window (hahaha), I felt so empty, so “nothing”… Going to fellowship does not help at all. No sense of belonging, felt being reject and felt so, so insignificant. Where is the love? And thus, tears overflowing. Day by day, I felt myself being depressed, getting more and more pessimistic. I find life meaningless, no purpose, nothing at all. People are asking me why, I could not explain, and I don’t blame them for not understanding my situations. But please don’t be judgmental for the things that you do not understand.

This semester is almost over now. So what did I learn? Sigh. Oh sighing is good too. You want to know why? Because when you sigh, you’re taking deep breaths, and you exhale out all the old air from your lung. Truly, this semester is meant for character building. My roommate, with her never ending sighs… I felt so useless for being just right beside her but was unable to help her at her times of difficulties. I feel glad when she’s glad, and I feel sad, when she’s sad. Forgive me for not being a good comforter. The emptiness, the insecurity, and the dark sides of all the feelings – have I fully recovered to my old-self? I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. But where is the purpose? Where… the sun from sadness does not and will not shine at all. (eh how come my cry topic transform to sigh topic and life topic ekekeke hope u guys have a great life)

When I attend lectures for Entrepreneurship, I feel like venturing my own business. When I attend lectures for Human Capital, I feel like being a human resource officer, developing people, allocating the right people to the right task, sound so professional. But in the end, what will become of me? Oh, that sentence doesn’t sound right. Haha. Anyway, that is not my point.

Many things had happened lately and things weren’t in the right track. Issues over issues pulled me even deeper into miseries, I just do not know how to put it in words. My family’s business is facing great difficulties, and my family might face a major financial crisis. But I believe there is always a way when there is a will. Besides, if God bring you to it, He will bring you through it. Amen. Sometimes when I go home, I don’t feel welcomed. I felt no love at home. Where is it? Where is the love? Life at home can be very, very hectic. When things are getting messed up out there, people want to go home to get peace. But when my life is twisted around out here, I don’t want to go home to make it worse. I could be at home, but my heart is just not there. Felt so discouraged with myself. But, nevertheless, I still want to thank God, for I have a home to go back. My bunny, little eLvi, my bolster (har har), sorry Lord because I whined. Oh, and my new nephew is on the way, coming very, very soon in October. Another eLvi, just great. Back in UMS, sometimes I felt like a stranger among my course mates. My imperfectness just makes me couldn’t click with my friends, which sometimes make me feel, no sense of belonging. But certain people just don’t get it. For my problem, might not be a problem for them. What is important for me, might not be important for them. Why? I do not understand. My situations are often self-conflicting. Killer disease with no cure.

But I want to live a happy life. I want to live my life to the fullest. That is why I am committing everything into the hands of God for He will never leave me alone in this journey. Though the sun from sadness will not shine at all, but the cloud from happiness shall not shed a tear.

People say that life is like a circle that goes round and round. We do not stay at the same spot all the time. Sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down. Others say that living is just like driving. We always look in front when we drive, sometimes we look at the side and rear mirror to observe the cars behind us. But we cannot keep on looking at the mirror because that is what life is about. Once in a while we would recall back our past memories but we cannot stay there and we must keep on moving.

Life is beautiful. Life is interesting. Life is adventurous. Life is colourful. The other day when I’m feeling depressed and getting discouraged, I said to my roommate, “I know that life is meaningful only when it is colourful. But when too many colours add up together, eventually it will become black. So what’s the point adding colours in our life?” She then answered, “Only with the existence of black that we come to realization how beautiful the colours of rainbow are.” Somehow, she left a point for me to ponder. Maybe that is how life supposed to be. Maybe we can say that life is also like the colours in the world. As the painter of our own life, we ourselves choose what colour to paint in our life.

I have been very stressful these pass few weeks. It is getting worse as hours and days passed me by. But I kept silent. I cried in the absence of other living creatures. I questioned myself. I questioned God. I tried to venture all these feelings of mine. But I failed to get any solution. At certain points, I felt like stopping, I could not go any further. I don’t understand. But life must go on. So I kept everything aside as if nothing ever happened, for tomorrow is another day. And God says, “Come to me all of you who are over burdened and I will give you rest.” I think I really need that.

I know that everyone else have their own problems and all of us will feel depress once in a while. When people ask me what is it that makes me so stressful, I’m speechless. I just don’t know how to explain. Is it because of my studies? Is it because of the activities I’m involved in school? Is it because of my family? Or maybe is it because of the inefficiency in my own time management? I could not give out a definite answer. People might not understand it if I say the main factor that causes my miseries all this while is that I cannot fulfill everyone’s expectations. As I have said before, I know my limits, I know where I stand. Certain people around me are giving me pressures, be it big or small. They have such high expectations on me that I must say, sometimes, you have to lower down your expectations.

I believe that not a single human being on earth is perfect. There are so many weaknesses in our life. Decision is in our hands, whether to improve or just being ignorance. There are just too much colours to handle and I don’t think I can make it to the other side of the rainbow. Tears, could not stop flowing…